The Soapbox | Where South Africans Speak Out

BY GENEVIEVE VIEIRA

All human beings are inherently wired to love. Although at times, the words “I love you” can be one of the most daunting feelings to express.

I am one of the most loving characters, I love being around people, giving hugs and showing appreciation, but when it comes to saying these three kind words, I choke, everytime!  No matter how much I feel it, the words just do not come out.  It’s as if I’ve been placed centre stage and the audience are awaiting my performance.

Why is it that we are so scared to express ourselves to loved ones?  That somehow the words “me too” are so much easier to vocalise?  Is it because we are so use to being hurt and humiliated that we are forced to put up a wall to avoid being vulnerable?

According to Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sandra Brownrigg, saying ‘I love you’ means opening up to how you really feel and because there is so much emphasis placed on it, the act becomes fearful.  Nobody wants to be hurt or rejected and therefore we all build defences.

What a pity it is that we do not express our love.  In a world that’s filled with so much uncertainty, you do not want to be left with the regret of not telling someone how you feel, because you never know if you will get the opportunity again.  Whether it is love for a husband, a child, a parent, a friend, the significance is all the same.  The time is now.

Self Exploration

The first step to saying I love you is to consider “what am I afraid of?”  Only once the underlying fear has been identified can you move forward.

Brownrigg highlights that sometimes the barriers to saying ‘I love you’ are wounds that have been carried along from your childhood.  Each parent has their own method of nurturing which in turn will have different effects on a child.  Unintentional as these may be, as human beings we carry these guards with us into our future relationships.

When one is underappreciated and denied the love and support that is needed as a child, the outcome is often one of two.  Either the person closes themselves off from human affection, appearing somewhat selfish and cold, or they become chasers who constantly pursue love as they seek to fill the empty space that has been left.  It is important to stress the fact that each child is different and the level of affection required by one such person can differ from another.  Nevertheless, every person needs daily reminders that they are lovable.

Testing the Waters

Fear arises from not knowing what the consequences will be, but often it is also the end result of negative feedback.  One who tries and fails is likely to withdraw.  Brownrigg uses the analogy of a tortoise that retreats into their shell from fear, but by slowly allowing the head to protrude becomes aware of the surrounding environment.

Likewise, the same should apply to people.  If you are the victim of rejection and hurt, the easiest way to overcome your fear is by testing the waters.  By telling someone you love them you open yourself up to a whole new world of possibilities.  Receiving love in return is a gift and one that will certainly impact your life.  Understand that through this learning experience we grow as individuals and allow ourselves to love at full capacity.

The Loaded Gun

The words ‘I love you’ are a powerful tool, but the way they are used will largely impact its recognition.  When these words are coupled with negative actions, its meaning is often associated with bad feelings.  For instance, parents who abuse are likely to say ‘I love you’ but once the expression is followed by an act of cruelty, it loses its power as a positive medium.

Brownrigg says that it has become common practice for people to couple feelings of approval with negative associations.  Too often we hear others say “I love you …but!”  But what? Love should not carry any exceptions.

We need to learn to tell the ones we love that we value them.  This can be done by expressing your reasons of appreciation.  For example, “I love you because you make me laugh”.

You can also express your love through physical approaches.  Giving hugs or buying flowers are great examples.  By placing someone’s needs above your own you show them that you accept them.

Never underestimate the importance of saying ‘I love you’ because by doing so many have changed the lives of those around them.