BY GENEVIEVE VIEIRA
“We can still be friends” is a phrase we’ve all heard before and most often dread. So forgive me if I must confess that I am a loyal minion of the post break up friendship. While many would consider this a recipe for disaster, I have managed to secure bonds with great men… well until recently, that is.
Establishing a friendship with my ex was easy, since there was no unresolved anger towards each other, but maintaining it was a whole other playing field. Since he welcomed my replacement on his side I’ve been served with the ex-girlfriend charter. It’s amusing how suddenly my name has been changed to THE EX, as if I’ve been awarded full alien status.
FRIEND ZONE
Since receiving this “restraining order” I have had the opportunity of really questioning whether you can truly be friends with an ex. Perhaps being friends with someone you’ve seen naked isn’t always that comforting and given that we didn’t survive the relationship, maybe a friendship was a bit idealistic. And yes, why would anyone want the pleasure of being constantly reminded of how they got their heart broken. But certainly this wasn’t the epitome of our relationship, so why have the two years of love and friendship gone unremembered?
Our break-up wasn’t messy, we didn’t cheat, there was no name calling. It was merely a simple case of ‘it isn’t working anymore’. Since we were already friends before romance came into play one would assume that we would be able to appreciate the things that attracted us to each in the first place. But it seems on the road to parting ways, we ended up on a trail of abolition. So now I’m burdened with the fate of realising that he isn’t the person I thought he was.
Really? Come on. I’m in way too deep. Pull off the self-pity goggles and open my eyes. No new girlfriend is going to allow him to hang out with you knowing you have a history, and he will respect her just as he respected me. Now I don’t expect her to be my biggest fan, but there has to be some mature solution to this conundrum.
Being friends with an ex is not about waiting around until he miraculously decides he loves you again, since this is real life and not your Oscar winning romance. But does it really have to be all or nothing? And why should it be? Before you presume that I am one of those optimistic grandee’s who lives in a perfect world, I want to assure you my world is less than perfect. My reasoning is simply this, reconnect on new terms. No bitterness but no spending evenings in the park either. Establish a casual friendship where you can still catch up with the person and find out how they are doing. After all, this is someone who knows you inside out, he knows your quirks and there is no need to impress. And if I really want the fact that I watch … in my spare time to remain undisclosed, maintaining positive ties is bound to do me well.
Genevieve Vieira is a journalist and photographer based in Johannesburg.
Tags: ex, friendship, life, relationships