The Soapbox | Where South Africans Speak Out

A couple of years ago I wrote a column for a newspaper about the classification of men. I wrote about the sports guy, the metrosexual and the party man. I wrote it as the guide my friends and I use when determining how we act around different men. If we know what group he belongs to, we can use simple tricks to attract his attention. For the sports man we’d feign knowledge of the offside rule. For the metrosexual we’d discuss Dermalogica’s new range of face products. In essence knowing what type of men we’re dealing with allows us to determine our modus operandi.

If I had to rework that column today I’d actually create a character list of personal attributes many men display. I wouldn’t need to group them in smaller subsets. They’d all be in one large group. Men to Avoid.

It may sound like a superficial and choosy option. But it’s actually pretty balanced. Not being choosy leads you with bad relationship choices. No one is going to let you forget the time you dated a convict and couldn’t change him. Or when the married man you had an affair with cheated on you. However being too picky can lead to a sad life. Single girls can only be perky for so long. Suddenly you’re pretending you’re happy to be alone but secretly you’re crying into your popcorn whenever you see the rain scene from The Notebook.

Below are a set of dealbreakers which women muse over when deciding a potential mate. Apart from the obvious dealbreakers like cheating, lying and abuse, these are the little things that can be paramount to whether a relationship stays on course. Of course there are others that differ with every man. And there are many some women would overlook. But heads up guys, asking if we’d like to do a threesome with our best friend is technically not cheating but it’s not cool either.

1. Bad Fashion

Everyday women go out of their way to look good. We squeeze ourselves in magic knickers, we wear dresses when it’s cold and we spend entire working days in high heels. Is it too much to ask men to do the same. Of course we don’t want you wearing platform boots. Or our dresses. Our knickers? That’s a different story and not for every couple. But if we’re willing to make the effort can’t you. We don’t need the sauveness of James Bond or the stylings of Kanye West. All we want is a man who willing not to wear the first t-shirt he finds on his bedroom floor. A man who can part with more than a hundred for a pair of jeans. A man who forgoes the comfort of Crocs to buy a normal and pretty pair of shoe. And while you may not notice that we own five different types of black shoes, we will notice for you. Other no-nos that make women cringe: army pants unless you’re auditioning for a revival of Band of Brothers chuck them out; wife beaters: only acceptable if someone is gay and toned or K-Fed. Please don’t be either; and polonecks: only suited for artsy guys called Napoleon who ride bicycles and attend “Save the Whale” protests. And if you’re more into fish than females, you’re not gonna like us anyway.

2. Gross to Groomed

Women are a conundrum. We’ll admit it. We hate when you’re a slob but we hate it even more when you’re made-up prettier than us. All we’re asking for is a healthy balance. Bad hygiene is disgusting. No one can see a future with a man whose idea of washing up means licking the plate after they eat. Chasing us with a vacuum cleaner while we eat cookies isn’t going to score you any points either. All we need is someone who bathes regularly, cleans his ears and pays attention to his skin. By pay attention we’d appreciate more than soap and water. But we’d also appreciate it if you didn’t have a better skin care regime than we do. When you start to tell us our pores can be seen from space, there’s a serious problem in the relationship. We’re more than happy to share our girlie products with you but there’s a line. Exfoliate? Sure! Eye Cream? A necessity. Our prized-reason-we-cannot-eat-for-a-month Le Mer cream? How do you feel about kneecaps? Look and smell prettier than us and we’ll cry. Even worse we’ll develop a complex. Nothing can bring down a girl’s spirit more than a guy telling us to get our roots done. Many women have put up with the monobrow and carpet back hair, so give us those few weeks between blonde and not-so-blonde.

3. The Male Arrogance

We are not sure where you get this from, but it has got to go. A bit of confidence does wonders to attract a mate. Thinking you should be praised to grace us mere mortals with your presence does wonders to attract a bad rap. This used to be a key characteristic of the good-looking brigade. the guys who had better bone structure than most. The ones with hair that flops naturally into place. And the bodies for a Men’s Health cover. Due to excessive attention from adoring females (no doubt originating with the mother), these boys have started to believe their own hype. They expect nothing less than Beatles-esque hysteria from women but won’t settle unless they have a six foot Brazilian beauty having off their arm. A little secret…most women don’t want what every other girl wants. Knowing I covet the same thing as my trashy work colleague puts me off it immediately. Good looking men included so loose that pride. Actually all men loose that pride. At least the good looking have a reason for their attitude. Just because you encompass a penis and chest hair does not mean the ladies are going to come a-flocking. If you want us to treat you like the most important person in our lives, we’d be glad to if you work for it. If you cannot adhere to this, remember most women live their lives by a mantra from Carrie Bradshaw: “Good looking men are never good in bed ‘cause they don’t have to be.”

The incognito Green Eyes blogs about life, love and fabulous fashion at her must-read blog: Skinny Bitches – In The Making.